Even here, I walk in love.

The weekend in between the tests and my first chemo was a weekend that I look forward to all year. Women’s retreat! Each year the ladies from our church go to Newfound Lake to camp Berea for women’s retreat. Here is the God thing ( I know it’s a christian retreat so it’s all God) BUT we ALWAYS go the 2nd weekend they hold it. This year we had to move it to the 3rd weekend and the speaker was meant for me!! The weekend was all about rest. When facing 8 months where “resting” is going to be key one may ask, ok God is this because I’m not good at resting?? Does God allow stuff like this to force us to rest. That didn’t sit right with me. AND that is not what God means by rest. Rest is to renew your soul, be restorative. Rest is doing sometime you love, spending time with people you love. We all need rest!

SO first chemo. I didn’t have my port yet so we did it the old fashion way through an IV. I wear my cold cap, 2 pairs of compression socks and 2 pairs of surgical gloves one size too small to help with neuropathy. SO picture that!!! HAHAHA. I got all hooked up and my girl came! Her flight landed just as we were getting started so Cristyn picked her up and brought her to me! What a blessing to be able to have her with us. I had this grand idea in my head that we would spend the day catching up and talking about all things college. YEAH RIGHT. I slept on and off most of the day and she did school work LOL. She did teach Eric how to play sudoku. It was a LONG day, they have to push each drug very slow so they can see if I will have a reaction to each one. I prayed that each drug would do what it was intended to do and no more. That they would kill the bad cells and leave my good cells alone. We finished up around 6pm and headed home. The first few days after they said I shouldn’t feel too bad. I am on a steroid for a few days and that helps you feel better. On day 2 nuelasta is released (they attach a pump to your arm) and this tells your body to make more white blood cells. It works by stimulating the bone marrow to produce more neutrophils. THIS IS PAINFUL. Not the injection itself but your body saying oh man we need to work overtime to get more cells made. Trigger bone pain. One may think, take some ibuprofen or tylenol, which I intended to do but I was having so much stomach trouble by that point that I didn’t want to add any more issues.

By Sunday I was feeling so terrible that I thought, I don’t know that I can do this. I mean I know I need to but this is HARD. Monday lead to a trip into the hospital to get some fluids and better meds. I had lost 5 pounds over the weekend and my line is always weight loss is weight loss, yay. BUT not now. . . Thankfully fluids and new meds I felt like a new person. I even got to pop into the office for a few hours Tuesday am to see all my agents and get some amazing goodies from them! Thankfully I can work from home!

Each day seems a little better. Still a few set backs, like walking up with conjunctivitis this am. But all in all I am feeling more like me every day. Expect for my taste, UGH nothing tastes good!!!

I will leave you with this song that our worship team sang this week and it is one of my very favorites. There are so many moments when anxiety wants to creep in and the song says, Great Aunt Maurine said at a hundred and three write scripture on your heart for when you need it ’cause anxiety hates Psalm 23 so just say it to yourself ’till you believe it and I’m feeling like I’m needing it right now. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want He leads me by still waters ’till my fears are gone. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death Oh, I know you are with me, my Father, my friend, Your goodness and mercy will follow me all of my days. I know by Your still waters, I’m SAFE. -Still Water Leanna Crawford.